That's hard. What if I tell my heart & you reject it?
You see I'm a recovering 'People Pleaser'. There is a big part of me that desires to please you. I spent years & years of striving for perfection & for others affirmation ...and quite frankly I was exhausted. I do believe this desire to please comes from a GOOD place... it's the 'WHO' ...that's where it gets messy.
For the past few months I've been walking (crawling) through a season of 'Hiddenness'. I wouldn't call it a dark space but definitely a grey place... a foggy place... a unfamiliar place... very uncomfortable... I can't seem to HEAR HIM. I can't SEE HIM. I can't FEEL HIM. And no matter what I 'do' ...nothing changes.
I've been very spoiled. Most of my life HE has given me allot of confirmation that He is near.
My Mom tells me a story of when I was very little when I was in church & we were singing an old hymn & I raised my hands. I had NEVER seen these demonstrated before but my soul longed to worship my maker & I could feel Him through the goosebumps on my arms.
Today I remember the times where I have felt His manifest Presence in my life & I gently remind myself ...it will not always be like this. this is a season. I will (one day) look back on this & it will tell me something new about who HE is. ...or about who I am in HIM, now because of this season.
In February I took a Holy Yoga class & Brooke shared 'Doubt does not disqualify'...she spoke about how in Matthew 28:17 it says 'When they saw HIM, they worshipped HIM, but some doubted.'
At that time in my life I couldn't see how I could ever doubt HIM. His goodness. His nearness. His faithfulness.
And yet, this summer the last thing I remember him saying to me was 'I don't doubt you'.
Friends, I don't doubt HIM ...I doubt 'MY' ability to see his goodness. to cling to him...all the days of my life.
My life verse is Psalms 27:13 'I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.'
So there it is... In the land of the living, where things are messy, blurry, foggy, dark... I remain.
So I show up to my mat, to my life, to teach... still {in} process of this season. with all my mess. with all my questions. with all my uncertainties.
And guess what it doesn't scare HIM away. I see in scripture over & over where HE uses the 'unqualified'.
So the 'people pleaser' in me tells me to stop teaching, to figure this thing out before I teach...or even speak for that matter. So I recently asked one of my HoYo Sisters if she thought I should sit out this season of teaching because I feel so inadequate to call on the name of the Lord & lead others to a place of Presence ...when I'm not feeling it. She said this season does NOT disqualify you...it is what truly qualifies you to teach!
So I show up, in all my mess without fear of disappointing anyone...with one desire, to please HIM. Teaching from a place of complete vulnerability & transparency.
Just as I am, today. And I will keep speaking to Him, even when I can't hear HIM. And I believe HE hears me.
And you know what ...there is nothing left to do. ...it's already been done.
HE is already pleased.
And I can not motivate him to love me anymore than He already does, right now.
...and HE does not doubt me.
Beloved, I hope this word blesses you. You are not alone in your season!
You are loved by a NEAR & good God. HE is SO please with you. Keep showing up & in the words of a well known 'philosopher' Just keep on Believin!
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