Season of Hiddenness

Brene Brown says, 'Courage originally meant, to speak one's mind by telling all of one's heart.'

That's hard.  What if I tell my heart & you reject it?

You see I'm a recovering 'People Pleaser'.  There is a big part of me that desires to please you.  I spent years & years of striving for perfection & for others affirmation ...and quite frankly I was exhausted.  I do believe this desire to please comes from a GOOD place... it's the 'WHO' ...that's where it gets messy.

For the past few months I've been walking (crawling) through a season of 'Hiddenness'.  I wouldn't call it a dark space but definitely a grey place... a foggy place... a unfamiliar place... very uncomfortable... I can't seem to HEAR HIM.  I can't SEE HIM.  I can't FEEL HIM.  And no matter what I 'do' ...nothing changes.

I've been very spoiled.  Most of my life HE has given me allot of confirmation that He is near.

My Mom tells me a story of when I was very little when I was in church & we were singing an old hymn & I raised my hands.  I had NEVER seen these demonstrated before but my soul longed to worship my maker & I could feel Him through the goosebumps on my arms.

Today I remember the times where I have felt His manifest Presence in my life & I gently remind myself ...it will not always be like this.  this is a season.  I will (one day) look back on this & it will tell me something new about who HE is. ...or about who I am in HIM, now because of this season.

In February I took a Holy Yoga class & Brooke shared 'Doubt does not disqualify'...she spoke about how in Matthew 28:17 it says 'When they saw HIM, they worshipped HIM, but some doubted.'

At that time in my life I couldn't see how I could ever doubt HIM.  His goodness.  His nearness.  His faithfulness.

And yet, this summer the last thing I remember him saying to me was 'I don't doubt you'.

Friends, I don't doubt HIM ...I doubt 'MY' ability to see his goodness.  to cling to him...all the days of my life.

My life verse is Psalms 27:13 'I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.'

So there it is... In the land of the living, where things are messy, blurry, foggy, dark... I remain.

So I show up to my mat, to my life, to teach... still {in} process of this season.  with all my mess.  with all my questions.  with all my uncertainties.

And guess what it doesn't scare HIM away.  I see in scripture over & over where HE uses the 'unqualified'.

So the 'people pleaser' in me tells me to stop teaching, to figure this thing out before I teach...or even speak for that matter.  So I recently asked one of my HoYo Sisters if she thought I should sit out this season of teaching because I feel so inadequate to call on the name of the Lord & lead others to a place of Presence ...when I'm not feeling it.  She said this season does NOT disqualify you...it is what truly qualifies you to teach!

So I show up, in all my mess without fear of disappointing anyone...with one desire, to please HIM.  Teaching from a place of complete vulnerability & transparency.

Just as I am, today.  And I will keep speaking to Him, even when I can't hear HIM.  And I believe HE hears me.

And you know what ...there is nothing left to do.  ...it's already been done.

HE is already pleased.

And I can not motivate him to love me anymore than He already does, right now.

...and HE does not doubt me.

Beloved, I hope this word blesses you.  You are not alone in your season!
You are loved by a NEAR & good God.  HE is SO please with you.  Keep showing up & in the words of a well known 'philosopher' Just keep on Believin!

Tomorrows Freedom Is Todays Surrender

Last week I get a FB message from one of my FAVorite Holy Yoga instructors asking 'ME' to sub for her in five days! & my first response was ...I am NOT ready. Send.
& just like that I became Moses again. You know when HE's talking to GOD in a burning bush EX 3&4) & Moses tells GOD that He can't speak & I need Aaron to speak for me. Send someone else...AKA ...He's not ready.

Right after I sent the message I walked into church. I am apart of an amazing church & one of the many things that I love about my church is the 'thickness' of HIS presence during worship. You can't come into a space like that, seeking HIM & not see HIM. It's SO, so good. On that day I couldn't in all honesty lift my hands and sing 'my God is enough for me' b/c I had just sent a message that I wasn't ready...Meaning that my God isn't really enough for me...
By the end of worship God had really done a work on me & showed me that WE were ready. SO I was jumping in NO MATTER what! I'm done being Moses needing an Aaron to speak. HE has made me for this ...so I surrender. I'm doing it scared...no, terrified!!! 

I spent some really good time just me & Jesus ...you know the kind where you just know if you had heavenly eyes you could see Him sitting right next to me...
HE asked me why I was terrified? ...

What it came down to is that I didn't want to fail in front of everybody & I'm scared that YOU are not going to speak through me... But I'm mostly terrified that I will miss out on what HE is doing in & through Holy Yoga. 

As soon as I was able to surrender to ALL HE had for me ...good, bad & even maybe the ugly...I felt total & complete FREEDOM! To play. To have fun! knowing that I really can't make a mistake!

So on the day of the class I talked about Peter taking a step out of the boat... And how it was a step of surrender... & how I want to always be READY to get out of the boat when my Maker says 'Come'.

So Beloved, what's YOUR boat? & what is HE inviting you to surrender ...