Season of Hiddenness

Brene Brown says, 'Courage originally meant, to speak one's mind by telling all of one's heart.'

That's hard.  What if I tell my heart & you reject it?

You see I'm a recovering 'People Pleaser'.  There is a big part of me that desires to please you.  I spent years & years of striving for perfection & for others affirmation ...and quite frankly I was exhausted.  I do believe this desire to please comes from a GOOD place... it's the 'WHO' ...that's where it gets messy.

For the past few months I've been walking (crawling) through a season of 'Hiddenness'.  I wouldn't call it a dark space but definitely a grey place... a foggy place... a unfamiliar place... very uncomfortable... I can't seem to HEAR HIM.  I can't SEE HIM.  I can't FEEL HIM.  And no matter what I 'do' ...nothing changes.

I've been very spoiled.  Most of my life HE has given me allot of confirmation that He is near.

My Mom tells me a story of when I was very little when I was in church & we were singing an old hymn & I raised my hands.  I had NEVER seen these demonstrated before but my soul longed to worship my maker & I could feel Him through the goosebumps on my arms.

Today I remember the times where I have felt His manifest Presence in my life & I gently remind myself ...it will not always be like this.  this is a season.  I will (one day) look back on this & it will tell me something new about who HE is. ...or about who I am in HIM, now because of this season.

In February I took a Holy Yoga class & Brooke shared 'Doubt does not disqualify'...she spoke about how in Matthew 28:17 it says 'When they saw HIM, they worshipped HIM, but some doubted.'

At that time in my life I couldn't see how I could ever doubt HIM.  His goodness.  His nearness.  His faithfulness.

And yet, this summer the last thing I remember him saying to me was 'I don't doubt you'.

Friends, I don't doubt HIM ...I doubt 'MY' ability to see his goodness.  to cling to him...all the days of my life.

My life verse is Psalms 27:13 'I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.'

So there it is... In the land of the living, where things are messy, blurry, foggy, dark... I remain.

So I show up to my mat, to my life, to teach... still {in} process of this season.  with all my mess.  with all my questions.  with all my uncertainties.

And guess what it doesn't scare HIM away.  I see in scripture over & over where HE uses the 'unqualified'.

So the 'people pleaser' in me tells me to stop teaching, to figure this thing out before I teach...or even speak for that matter.  So I recently asked one of my HoYo Sisters if she thought I should sit out this season of teaching because I feel so inadequate to call on the name of the Lord & lead others to a place of Presence ...when I'm not feeling it.  She said this season does NOT disqualify you...it is what truly qualifies you to teach!

So I show up, in all my mess without fear of disappointing anyone...with one desire, to please HIM.  Teaching from a place of complete vulnerability & transparency.

Just as I am, today.  And I will keep speaking to Him, even when I can't hear HIM.  And I believe HE hears me.

And you know what ...there is nothing left to do.  ...it's already been done.

HE is already pleased.

And I can not motivate him to love me anymore than He already does, right now.

...and HE does not doubt me.

Beloved, I hope this word blesses you.  You are not alone in your season!
You are loved by a NEAR & good God.  HE is SO please with you.  Keep showing up & in the words of a well known 'philosopher' Just keep on Believin!

Leaving Behind

Brothers, {& Sisters} I do not consider that I have 'made it' on my own. But one thing I do: 'forgetting what lies behind' & straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

Yesterday I taught my last Holy Yoga class of 2013. We talked about what we were leaving behind in 2013. We didn't talk about weight or our size b/c in this Holy space we desire to get rid of the 'things' that really weigh us down. Things like shame... guilt... fear... rejection... 

In order to 'press on toward our goal' for 2014 I think we need to leave some things behind. 

For me a big one is fear of falling/failing. I'm going to learn to fall forward & not hold myself in bondage to even try because it's not perfect, yet. I went to an inversion workshop & realized I wasn't letting myself reach my potential b/c of my fear of falling. And also not being able to control my fall. My Mom use to call me Grace b/c I had issues w/the ground & my feet! :) and even off my mat I'm not writing my Blog b/c I look at others (be mistake) & I compare. So I willing don't write b/c it's not 'perfect'. So I am saying goodbye to the fear of falling & failing & I will be in process of learning how to fall FORWARD to press on toward my goal. 

Another BIG thing, that I have had great  victory in in the past but I have seen rise up in other areas is the fear of rejection. So I turn into this 'pleaser of man' so that 'they' will like me. So I will be leaving the people pleaser behind in 2013. And the only way I am made able to do so is because I am Accepted as the Beloved. Eph 1:6.(That's enough for me!)

In verse 12 Paul says, 'Not that I have already obtained 'this' or am 'perfect', BUT I press on to make it my own, b/c Christ Jesus has made ME HIS won.

So, My sister, what do you want to leave behind in 2013?