Season of Hiddenness

Brene Brown says, 'Courage originally meant, to speak one's mind by telling all of one's heart.'

That's hard.  What if I tell my heart & you reject it?

You see I'm a recovering 'People Pleaser'.  There is a big part of me that desires to please you.  I spent years & years of striving for perfection & for others affirmation ...and quite frankly I was exhausted.  I do believe this desire to please comes from a GOOD place... it's the 'WHO' ...that's where it gets messy.

For the past few months I've been walking (crawling) through a season of 'Hiddenness'.  I wouldn't call it a dark space but definitely a grey place... a foggy place... a unfamiliar place... very uncomfortable... I can't seem to HEAR HIM.  I can't SEE HIM.  I can't FEEL HIM.  And no matter what I 'do' ...nothing changes.

I've been very spoiled.  Most of my life HE has given me allot of confirmation that He is near.

My Mom tells me a story of when I was very little when I was in church & we were singing an old hymn & I raised my hands.  I had NEVER seen these demonstrated before but my soul longed to worship my maker & I could feel Him through the goosebumps on my arms.

Today I remember the times where I have felt His manifest Presence in my life & I gently remind myself ...it will not always be like this.  this is a season.  I will (one day) look back on this & it will tell me something new about who HE is. ...or about who I am in HIM, now because of this season.

In February I took a Holy Yoga class & Brooke shared 'Doubt does not disqualify'...she spoke about how in Matthew 28:17 it says 'When they saw HIM, they worshipped HIM, but some doubted.'

At that time in my life I couldn't see how I could ever doubt HIM.  His goodness.  His nearness.  His faithfulness.

And yet, this summer the last thing I remember him saying to me was 'I don't doubt you'.

Friends, I don't doubt HIM ...I doubt 'MY' ability to see his goodness.  to cling to him...all the days of my life.

My life verse is Psalms 27:13 'I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.'

So there it is... In the land of the living, where things are messy, blurry, foggy, dark... I remain.

So I show up to my mat, to my life, to teach... still {in} process of this season.  with all my mess.  with all my questions.  with all my uncertainties.

And guess what it doesn't scare HIM away.  I see in scripture over & over where HE uses the 'unqualified'.

So the 'people pleaser' in me tells me to stop teaching, to figure this thing out before I teach...or even speak for that matter.  So I recently asked one of my HoYo Sisters if she thought I should sit out this season of teaching because I feel so inadequate to call on the name of the Lord & lead others to a place of Presence ...when I'm not feeling it.  She said this season does NOT disqualify you...it is what truly qualifies you to teach!

So I show up, in all my mess without fear of disappointing anyone...with one desire, to please HIM.  Teaching from a place of complete vulnerability & transparency.

Just as I am, today.  And I will keep speaking to Him, even when I can't hear HIM.  And I believe HE hears me.

And you know what ...there is nothing left to do.  ...it's already been done.

HE is already pleased.

And I can not motivate him to love me anymore than He already does, right now.

...and HE does not doubt me.

Beloved, I hope this word blesses you.  You are not alone in your season!
You are loved by a NEAR & good God.  HE is SO please with you.  Keep showing up & in the words of a well known 'philosopher' Just keep on Believin!

Happy BIRTHday!!!

                                  
Happy birthday to me!
No, you didn't miss my birthday! (but I except gifts year around ;) TEHE!
This week I celebrated my FIRST year of teaching Holy Yoga.  This is a HUGE victory!  You see I went up (& go up) against some pretty big giants this past year.

Tuesday morning, before I taught I went on to Facebook to see if anyone was coming to my class ;) & I saw a video in my feed that had me LAID OUT,  on the floor in tears.

It was a just Pampers Commercial & Mom's were bringing their baby's in for their one year check up.  (Posted below)
These Mom's sat with the doctor & talked about this past year.  they said things like:::
I was insure
I was worried
Am I doing this right
Everything is new
I didn't know what to do
loss of sleep

Boy could I relate to EVERYTHING they were saying & THEN SOME!  I felt SO inadequate this year.  This 'not knowing' space.
Am I enough?
Did I say enough?
Did I do enough?
Do they understand me?
Did I touch her?
Is this ALL worth it?
Is anyone going to show up?

Don't get me wrong, this year has held some great moments of clarity & JOY but for most part of this season has been messy...foggy...unsettled.

As I look back over this year I see a little girl who just wants to please her Daddy & be what HE created her to be.  ..Just to be near HIM & to make HIS presence known.

This new space is yes, unfamiliar territory (but not really) for me but not for HIM.  HE is leading me deeper, closer... side by side kind of friendship,  & I am so scared but a excited sacred.   I get to know Him in a new way.  I get to see Him in a different way.

So in the Pampers commercial the Dad's come in while the Mom's are in their appointment & decorate the hallways that the they will walk through with pics of the past year. The Dad's acknowledge them & all that they have sacrificed.  Even spoke words over them.  Made them a cake & had them blow out a candle.

So Tuesday morning I got this image of my Abba, MY Heavenly Father putting up my (OUR) pictures of this past year.... of all the times I've ran to HIM, cried out to HIM, felt HIS pleasure & even HIS distance, times where I've had feelings of 'not enough'...& you know what Beloved, HE was there...HE was SO there with me.  You see HE desires ME. (ME?!) I don't ever think I will be able to wrap my head/heart around HIS lavish love for me.  ..but I will spend my lifetime in pursuit of HIM.
So it's just right, left, right, left...I do the natural, HE does the SUPER...

So... I am SO grateful, like a Momma with her one year old baby on her knee, blowing out that candle & shoving that cake in her face...Yes, it was messy, it was hard but you know what I'd do it ALL over again because of HIM...I get MORE of HIM & His presence is my breath.

So today, I'm going to blow out my candle & celebrate all the hidden, seen & unseen VICTORIES that this year has held.

These might be some of the pictures:::

 This was me right before I walked into my very first class at Yoga Because, September 13, 2013.  HOLY!

 THIS was the beautiful souls that were at my first class.  Taught on Peter getting out of the boat. HOLY!

 This was my biggest class up at Young Life ...just a few feet where I did my Student Teaching. HOLY!

 This was when I got to observe NEW Instructors doing their very first Student teaching. HOLY!

This was now of my classes that it was just me & Jesus. HOLY!

Beloved, may you continue to pursue your pursuer!  

Here's that video:::

http://ipost.christianpost.com/news/mom-took-her-baby-for-her-one-year-check-up-what-she-saw-on-her-way-out-left-her-in-tears-15518/?redirect

Life in the Desert

Ten years ago, THIS week we moved from my promise-land, TEXAS to the desert...aka Scottsdale Arizona. I got the rug ripped out from under me... the rug of green grass & in exchange I got dirt.  When I was little I NEVER imagined living any other place.  In all my dreams it was me & Justin sipping some sweet, iced tea on my front porch when we were old & gray.  So needless to say this was a HUGE change of plans! 

One thing about the Desert is, it's HOT & heat, my Friends is revealing.  It revealed that my Faith was not my own.  You see, I got to grow up in a small town & my Momma made sure that every time the church doors were open that we were there.  I am SO thankful for my upbringing & grateful that to this day I still remember allot of the songs & scripture that where imbedded in me at a very early age! 

But now here in this Desert, did I really believe what I said I believed.  I didn't 'feel' God like before & when I prayed it was as if my prayers hit the ceiling & bounced right back down.  And when I was out hiking & I would walk by someone & no one said 'HELLO' or 'GOOD MORNING' & coming from the South everyone waves & you are seen.  I made cookies for the Walmart Guy because he was the only one that acknowledged me & looked me in the eyes!  I felt all alone.  In my deep depression I turned to an old 'friend' ...bulimia.  The thing about an eating disorder is that it works for awhile.  It was my way to control things that seemed out of control to me.  It was my way to 'cope'.

Months & months went by & one Sunday morning I was emailing a friend back home expressing (complaining) my thoughts.  Justin was working ALLOT to get the Restaurant up & running & there seemed to be no-one like me (a Jesus loving, stay-at-home Momma) & NOT TO MENTION, I moved into Melrose Place...everyone was fit & beautiful & they had their kids every other weekend, so play dates where very inconsistent.  I wanted someone with skin on, to tell me I was going to make it through this CRAZY Season!

and then I heard a whisper, 'where do you think someone like you would be on a Sunday morning?'  Duh!  So I went to the only church I knew that had a late Sunday morning service & by the end of the service I had signed up for a program called 'Homemakers By Choice'.

That next Thursday I went. (that's a big deal-because apart of me felt a little safe in my isolation)  And I sat down in a room full of Women & a beautiful & outgoing Girl leaned over & said HI to me FIRST... It was right then & there that I knew we were going to be friends!  And 10 years later she is still my Best friend. Katy & I have done life together!  Through diapers, depression, moves, more babies, & so much more we have 'seen' each other & spoken Life over each other.  She has been one of my biggest blessing in this desert place.

My desert season exposed my need to replace old coping habits with HIM, alone.  That's the thing about heat...  It brings light to dark places & reveals areas of darkness.

In 1 Peter 1:7 it says...
These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Friends, I can tell you, NOW because I've walked through the fire... that I know, that I know, that I know HE is ALL that I need.  HE is good.  HE is faithful to never leave us.  HE so loves us.

If anyone were to ask me where I am from, it's always going to be Texas. You can take the Girl out of Texas but not the Texas out of the Girl. ;)  I still say 'HELLO' & wave at strangers & every once in while they wave back.  But know this...I have found life in the Desert...not just any old life, a FULL life, Abundantly FREE life!  The life that my Abba intended me to have!

So Beloved, if you are in a desert space press into HIM. HE's SO got good things for you {in} the desert!

Saul's Armor

This week I was reading to my little boy his all time favorite Bible story & something jumped out at me like never before. 

You have probably heard of David & Goliath, right. Well David comes to bring some lunch to his brothers & hears this 9 foot man taunting God's army & he (the shepherd boy) decides he will take that giant down. So King Saul says to David in 1 Samuel 17:

³⁸ Then Saul gave David his own armor—a bronze helmet and a coat of mail. ³⁹ David put it on, strapped the sword over it, and took a step or two to see what it was like, for he had never worn such things before.
“I can’t go in these,” he protested to Saul. “I’m not used to them.” So David took them off again. ⁴⁰ He picked up five smooth stones from a stream and put them into his shepherd’s bag. Then, armed only with his shepherd’s staff and sling, he started across the valley to fight the Philistine.

We all know the end of the story. David defeated Goliath with one stone!
What I love about David is that he knew that Saul's armor wasn't for him.  He knew exactly who he was & what has brought him victory in the past.

So many of us try to wear 'Saul's Armor'.  We see someone else operating in their gifting & we desire the same gift. 
Or we compare ourselves ...
Or we become jealous...
Or we try as hard as my can to 'fit in' that armor.  It's exhausting!  I've tried it ALL!

Maybe it's those Skinny Jeans for you?
Or a number on the scale?
Or a position of honor & success?

What ever your 'armor' is, it's place of bondage. it's a place of striving. it's NOT what the LORD has JUST for y.o.u.

I believe the reason David did not have a problem saying no the Saul's Armor is because he knew who he was ...& whose he was. 

David was the last to get the e-vite to his own anointing party when he was 12 b/c he didn't LOOK the part.  But Samuel was instructed by God to look at the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) David was the one that God had chosen. He set him apart. He was as it says in Acts 'a man after God's own heart'. (Acts 13:22)

Also, David had beaten a lion & bear (1 Samuel 17:34-37), so he wasn't afraid of this big man.
I believe when we know & believe who we are in Christ we will never want to be anyone other than who HE created us to be!

So let me challenge you... Take off that armor that wasn't meant for you. And pick up your staff & sling & slay your giant with ease.


BeLoved.

Leaving Behind

Brothers, {& Sisters} I do not consider that I have 'made it' on my own. But one thing I do: 'forgetting what lies behind' & straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

Yesterday I taught my last Holy Yoga class of 2013. We talked about what we were leaving behind in 2013. We didn't talk about weight or our size b/c in this Holy space we desire to get rid of the 'things' that really weigh us down. Things like shame... guilt... fear... rejection... 

In order to 'press on toward our goal' for 2014 I think we need to leave some things behind. 

For me a big one is fear of falling/failing. I'm going to learn to fall forward & not hold myself in bondage to even try because it's not perfect, yet. I went to an inversion workshop & realized I wasn't letting myself reach my potential b/c of my fear of falling. And also not being able to control my fall. My Mom use to call me Grace b/c I had issues w/the ground & my feet! :) and even off my mat I'm not writing my Blog b/c I look at others (be mistake) & I compare. So I willing don't write b/c it's not 'perfect'. So I am saying goodbye to the fear of falling & failing & I will be in process of learning how to fall FORWARD to press on toward my goal. 

Another BIG thing, that I have had great  victory in in the past but I have seen rise up in other areas is the fear of rejection. So I turn into this 'pleaser of man' so that 'they' will like me. So I will be leaving the people pleaser behind in 2013. And the only way I am made able to do so is because I am Accepted as the Beloved. Eph 1:6.(That's enough for me!)

In verse 12 Paul says, 'Not that I have already obtained 'this' or am 'perfect', BUT I press on to make it my own, b/c Christ Jesus has made ME HIS won.

So, My sister, what do you want to leave behind in 2013?